The Users Guide To Lancelot
by homeric
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase!


**A/N: As before, the "user guide" idea is not mine. I _think _that the very talented Theresa Green came up with them ( you can find the links to her LOTR fics if you search for her profile page on this site). If I'm wrong then someone let me know and I'll properly credit the author.**

**Oh, and Lancelot is so not mine (unfortunately).**

**THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR **

**LANCELOT**

**Copyright BrightKnights Ltd.**

**Daisy May, Chief Technical Advisor**

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of a LANCELOT DU LAC unit (henceforth known as LANCELOT). In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your smouldering, smirking, seductively Welsh knight, please follow the instructions below.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

NAME: LANCELOT

TYPE: HUMAN (MALE)

MANUFACTURERS: Samartian Knights Ltd.

HEIGHT: 1.81 metres

WEIGHT: 160 lbs

LENGTH: Data available on request

COLOUR: Brown hair, brown eyes.

**ACCESSORIES**

Your LANCELOT unit should arrive fully dressed in kinky black leather with a distressed/blood spattered finish. Unlike other units, LANCELOT comes with two swords, which might explain some of its smirking (copyright BrightKnights Ltd.) - either that or it's over-compensating for something. A majestic stallion is also included; this is designed to demonstrate the unit's sensitive side (unit will stroke/comfort the aforesaid animal in times of stress) and is also a rather obvious symbol of its masculinity (once again it's perhaps over-compensating for something).

Note: Due to admin error, some LANCELOT units have been packaged with the BILL THE PONY unit instead of the majestic stallion. This should have been part of the accessory pack provided with our Lord Of The Rings SAMWISE GAMGEE unit and is incompatible with Castus Knight range, being entirely too cute and cuddly. If you find that this is the case, inform your unit that its steed shrank when he left it outside in the rain and replace it with a motorcycle. This will save on feeding and farrier costs, and looks pretty damn cool.

**OPPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**

Your LANCELOT unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Once you have received it, make sure to remove its clothing and check all moving parts.

Note: We advise doing this while any significant others are absent - BrightKnights Ltd. Accept no responsibility for any arguments/divorce proceedings or therapy costs regarding inadequacy issues.

Aside from being visually attractive, a loyal companion and pretty damned good in the bedroom, your LANCELOT unit has many other uses.

_PORTABLE RADIATOR_

Due to the unit's specially enhanced smouldering-sexuality-with-a-hint-of-danger chip, you might find a dramatic rise in room temperature when in the presence of LANCELOT. Some owners have found that their central heating bills have fallen by up to 30 percent after purchasing a unit, and all have agreed that a LANCELOT unit is much more attractive than a portable radiator.

NOTE: It is wise to remove your LANCELOT unit from the room when elderly female relatives are visiting. The presence of LANCELOT may lead to over-heating in the aforesaid relatives and/or application of scary Barbara Cartland style make-up when they next visit.

_RELIGIOUS DOORSTEPPERS DETERRENT_

Fed-up with nodding politely while surreptitiously trying to close the door every time your local Jehovah's witness comes knocking? Simply let your LANCELOT unit answer the door instead. Two minutes of listening to religious ideology will activate your LANCELOT's angry-aggressively-athiest chip and send the well meaning but unwelcome visitor scurrying for cover.

NOTE: It is important to make sure that your unit's battle chip is not engaged at this time. BrightKnights Ltd. Have apologised profusely to the people of St. Andrew's church for the tragic decapitation, and we really can't afford another lawsuit.

_PROFESSIONAL GAMBLER_

Your LANCELOT unit is fond of games of chance and is a dab hand at games such as "ye olde spinning of the dagger" and "the throwing of the roughly hewn dice". Now that times have changed, you and your unit can have hours of fun visiting casinos and/or bingo halls. Added satisfaction is gained by dressing your unit in a tux and swanning into your destination, turning the heads of all the women in the place.

NOTE: If you are merely going to bingo night at the local village hall, don't bother. You'll feel over-dressed and your unit may develop a fear of being pinched on the cheek and told what a "nice young man" he is.

**CLEANING**

Despite being part of a set containing GAWAIN and TRISTAN units, your LANCELOT rather enjoys bathing. Be careful not to cut its hair too short however - your unit will automatically revert to curse-you-cruel-world-for-all-the-torment-you-have-bestowed-upon-me mode. This can be reversed by either allowing your unit to spy on a GUINEVERE unit when it's bathing (if a het model), or allowing it to engage in a sweaty theological argument with homosexual undertones with an ARTHUR unit (if it is a slash model). Alternatively, you could promise it a new set of eye-lash curlers.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q: **My previously well-behaved TRISTAN unit irreparably damaged my LANCELOT when the latter suggested "popping into those communal toilets to check for Woads." What happened?

**A:** Check the pert buttocks of your LANCELOT unit. Can you see a "S" branded upon them? If yes, then you should be aware that mixing "het" and "slash" models almost always results in permanent damage to at least one of the units. If your unit was brand free, then your TRISTAN unit was probably just having a bad day. Give it an apple and keep it away from any family members that you might mind losing.

**Q: **My LANCELOT unit is striding around angrily and threatening to leave home. Why?

**A: **Has your ARTHUR unit recently ordered it on a noble yet pointless quest? Walking to Africa in order to hand-deliver bread to orphans perhaps? Or taking on the Ku Klux Klan armed with nothing but swords and an air of righteous anger? Merely take your ARTHUR aside and set it a more achievable quest - learning cross-stitch, or repainting the kitchen for example. After a manly heart to heart leading to a chaste hug (or full-on sweaty man sex if you own two slash models), you'll find that both your units calm down, and if you're lucky you'll never have to do any DIY again.

**Q: **My LANCELOT unit seems incapable of taking two steps without seriously damaging itself. Yesterday it electrocuted itself on the bathroom light switch, the day before it almost fatally wounded itself with a clothes-peg whilst hanging out the washing. What is happening?

**A: **You have been issued with a hurt/comfort edition of your unit. This particular unit thrives upon hanging on the brink of death, while it's companion units hover around it worriedly blaming themselves for its pain. Don't worry, these accidents rarely cause irreparable damage, although unless you have a high tolerance for angst you might find yourself taking a chainsaw to the lot of them yourself.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Q: My LANCELOT unit seems somewhat old and keeps leaving "Save Tibet" leaflets all over the house. While I try to be environmentally aware, I would rather not go on the "pilgrimage to inner truth" that he keeps banging on about.**

Unfortunately you have been issued with a "First Knight" edition of the unit. For the love of all things holy, keep it away from your child's hamster cage.

**Q: My LANCELOT unit has taken to hiding behind the shower curtain when my GUINEVERE unit is in wistful-bathing-without-showing-any-naughty-bits mode. I find it a bit creepy - what can I do to stop this behaviour?**

Either threaten to take away his eyelash curlers or provide him with a flashers' raincoat and send him down the local swimming pool. A short prison term for indecent behaviour will put him off ogling anyone in the shower ever again.

NOTE: We do not advise the latter solution when dealing with the slash edition of the LANCELOT unit. As shown by the 2005 custody battle between Mrs Harrison and Big Tony, the slash LANCELOT unit often rather enjoys incarceration.

**Q: My LANCELOT unit is wandering around looking sorrowful and muttering about "going home." It's a bit off-putting when I'm trying to re-set it to smouldering-sex-machine mode. What can I do?**

Show your LANCELOT unit a globe or atlas and ask him to find Samartia on it. When he fails to do so, inform him that Bristol/ New Orleans/Paris (insert your location here) is the new name for Samartia - they re-named it while he was asleep. If he still mutters about "rolling fields of grass", take him to the local park/football field/African plain and inform him that things always seem bigger/grassier/less filled with Wildebeast when you're younger.

**FINAL NOTE**

We are sure that, providing you follow the above instructions, you will enjoy many happy years with your LANCELOT unit, however we here at BrightKnights Ltd. Take no responsibility for any emotional distress caused by waking up with someone prettier than you.

NOTE: Excessive hair care product and mascara costs are also entirely the owners responsibility.


End file.
